Rating: 1/5 stars

Remember “Morbius”? The film from two years ago that was memed to death because of how atrocious it was? Yeah. Good times. Well, Sony figured one pointless Spider-Man spin-off was not enough. Thus, “Madame Web” made its way to theaters this Valentine’s Day and has taken the throne for the worst movie of 2024 so far. 

“Madame Web” focuses on the origin story of the comic book character Madame Web, a.k.a. Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson, “Cha Cha Real Smooth”). The film follows Cassie’s struggles with the past, dealing with new clairvoyant powers that allow her to see the future while also protecting three young women and their futures from the evil Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim, “Napoleon”). The film originally took place in the mid-90s in the same universe of the Amazing Spider-Man films, but was changed to take place in 2003 to line up with the Marvel cinematic Universe Spider-Man, resulting in last minute reshoots. After watching the film, it was pretty obvious. On top of that, the film constantly reminds the audience that it takes place in 2003. From the use of “Toxic” by Britany Spears (“…Baby One More Time”) to a poster of Beyoncé (“Renaissance”) to a reference to Martha Stewart’s insider trading crime, it is not subtle one bit and gets annoying.

The automated dialogue replacement is laughably noticeable, especially with Rahim. The way the camera tries to hide his mouth with all the dubbing makes it seem like he is on a Zoom delay. 

Speaking of the dialogue, it sucks and is honestly so bad that it is hilarious at times. Keep in mind, this movie had four writers, two of which worked on “Morbius.” At best, it is super cliché and on the nose. At worst, it results in jokes that do not land at all and dramatic moments that play out super awkwardly due to how nonsensical the plot is. Either something happens and is not explained or it becomes exposition central, which is boring to tears. 

The performances are pretty bad as well, but that is more to blame on not only the terrible writing, but the director too. Actors like Sydney Sweeney (“Reality”) and Adam Scott (“Severance”) are way better than what this film deserves.

The VFX and cinematography does not feel substantial at all. Going off that first trailer, the film looked like a CW-quality TV show at best. It is exactly that. The action scenes have such little tension and the camera movements are super disorientating. The movie’s visual style feels super bland and comes off as trying to be too grounded in reality. But then there is the editing. Holy guacamole, this is “Bohemian Rhapsody”-style editing. For example, there is a scene in the beginning with Cassie driving an ambulance to an emergency that cuts frequently back and forth for no reason whatsoever. The way some scenes are matched cut together is dumb and the editing of Cassie’s visions of the future can give even the most clear-headed people a migraine.

To simply put it, “Madame Web” is “Morbius: The Sequel.” It is dumb, boring yet engaging, contrived, low-quality, awkward, pointless, illogical, headache-inducing and unintentionally hilarious. An absolute trainwreck of a motion picture in nearly every conceivable way, it is the textbook definition of “so bad it is good.” It has to be seen to be believed.

Image by Sony Pictures Entertainment via YouTube