Rating: 1.5 stars

There are movies that come out where there is a lot to say about it, whether the movie is good or bad. Other times, a movie is so devoid of character and personality that it is hard to come up with things to say about it. The film could be completely inoffensive and mediocre or it could be a mess of hot garbage. “Argylle” is the most recent example of the latter.

“Argylle” is a spy action comedy directed by Matthew Vaughn (“Kick-Ass”). He previously directed the “Kingsman” series, which “Argylle” is similar in style to except for being more comedic and less thrilling. The plot focuses on Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard, “Jurassic World Dominion”), an author of spy novels who discovers that her stories are not completely fictional and actually mirror real-life events. More and more details are revealed about the truth as Conway goes on a spy journey of her own. The film features an ensemble cast including the likes of Sam Rockwell (“Vice”), Henry Cavill (“Man of Steel”), Bryan Cranston (“Asteroid City”), John Cena (“Peacemaker”), Ariana DeBose (“West Side Story”), Samuel L. Jackson (“Pulp Fiction”) and even pop star Dua Lipa (“Future Nostalgia”). It is a shame that this cast is wasted on such a mundane experience.

The plot is so convoluted and stupid it hurts. There are way too many flashbacks that reveal things the audience did not see the first time and backstories told in meaningless fashion. There are so many twists throughout that they start to lose their value as the film goes on. 

Tonally, it is a mess. The movie constantly shifts around from serious character moments to side jokes that rival Marvel-style humor, and not the good kind. There is nothing special or memorable about these characters. Outside of Conway, they all feel like blank slates and have no interesting quirks to make them stand out. Even Conway gets annoying after a while. The writing is out to appeal to the lowest common denominator. That feels insulting. When Alfie the Cat is the most enjoyable character of the film, that should set off some alarms.

On a technical level, the CGI and green-screening looked rough and clearly needed more time in the oven. The editing leaves a lot to be desired and the cinematography is super bland outside of a few instances of using select color in black & white scenes.

The only positives that come to mind are a couple of fairly enjoyable action sequences in the third act and a few of the performances. Rockwell is pretty charismatic with Cavill and Cranston giving all they can with what they were given. 

Overall, while “Argylle” had potential to be a decent popcorn flick, it would be an insult to popcorn flicks. Terrible writing, a convoluted and dumb plot, bland characters, awful special effects and mostly stiff performances make this out to be a forgettable, generic and straight-up bad spy film. A planned trilogy supposedly ties in the “Kingsman” universe, but it is hard to imagine any excitement for that. Please skip this one.

Image from Robert Couse-Baker via Wikimedia Commons