We’ve done it. We have finally reached the event horizon, where the laws of space and time cease to function and only the chaos of the primordial universe reigns supreme.
“It’s not that bad,” they argue, “don’t overreact.” What they don’t understand is that anything less would be an underreaction. To pretend the current state of things doesn’t warrant panicked outrage is an entertainment death sentence. The corpulent hive mothers at Disney are already in the process of spawning their most virulent brood: a sequel to the live action Aladdin.
If you have seen the live action “Aladdin” remake, you are deserving of sincere reparations. For those who haven’t seen it, it was everything you could expect a late-stage live-action Disney remake to be: a poorly paced, blandly shot, musically corrupt, visually detestable, forgettably acted, hastily written, thematically lazy, needlessly modernized and painfully transparent exercise in personal fortitude. If there is one thing the universe would have been objectively better without, it would have to be Will Smith’s (“Bad Boys For Life”) nightmarish CGI hip-hop remix-rendition of “Friend Like Me.” Did anyone in the history of time ever say to themselves, “You know, I’ve always wished half of the scenes in ‘Aladdin’ were in Zack Snyder slo-mo?” Needless to say, it was this author’s hope that it would mark the nadir of this Disney zombie apocalypse and that perhaps the other movies would just quietly shuffle in and out of this mortal coil without ruffling any feathers. However, that was a sore underestimation of both the public and the all-devouring maw of Disney. They found a model that makes money. Since people have come to blindly trust them, they can just make the same thing again, but worse. However, that doesn’t excuse the fact that the content is bad, nor should it encourage audiences to settle for half-baked shill vomit when we all know perfectly well that the filmmakers could have made a movie that didn’t feel like a public lobotomy. As the world’s foremost entertainment company, it isn’t out of line for the audience to demand impressive content from them. Nevertheless, here we are, in the biggest entertainment deathtrap since H.H. Holmes set up that murder hotel during the World Fair. There is only one thing to do: whatever you do, however your Disney addiction pleads, please, for the love of God, don’t see “Aladdin 2.” Destroying this thing’s box office is the only way to make it stop. Nobody has the mental stability to withstand another one of these garbage fires unscathed. If you have any humanity left in you, any sense of self-preservation, do the right thing. Use that $10.50 in ticket money and buy gas station onion rings. Don’t see “Aladdin 2.”
Image from Will Smith via YouTube
