I underestimated what the GOP had in store for 2012. What I mean is, we are witnessing one of the most ingenious and elaborate pieces of performance art ever conceived.

The Republican Party knows they are in a rut. They are losing relevance by the day. They don’t have compelling solutions to America’s problems and they are victims of the liberal media machine. Mitt Romney was going to run away with the nomination and repeat the same old talking points on the campaign trail. They needed to mix it up a bit, and come up with a way to galvanize the country in a new way by starting a war…on women.

The idea’s bulletproof, and radically avant-garde in its make-up. In order to break out of the election-year doldrums, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Rush Limbaugh and all of the Republican legislators in Congress clearly thought it would be fun to poke fun at America’s policy process by making birth control and Planned Parenthood the top priority. As a result, the GOP is no longer a political party: they have become the He-Man Woman Haters Club from “The Little Rascals,” with Romney as Spanky, Santorum as Alfalfa and Newt Gingrich as, obviously, Buckwheat. So far, they are creating political satire on the level of Jonathan Swift.

All the players involved are bringing their A-game to this elaborate farce. Romney said in a radio interview that he would “get rid of” Planned Parenthood if elected president. Since Planned Parenthood offers many other services for women other than abortion and getting rid of it would be like getting rid of a grocery store because they sell meat and you are a vegetarian, this was a brilliant piece of character immersion by Romney. Actually this recent offensive is just a continuation of the character he has been playing for the last decade, the liberal who is running his own sting operation on the GOP by pretending to be pro-life and against gay marriage to assimilate their ranks. The Planned Parenthood thing just riles up those darned liberals and gets him even more airtime. Romney is the Sacha Baron Cohen of politics.

Limbaugh also did his part when he said women who want mandated insurance covering birth control should videotape themselves having sex, since the American taxpayers are obviously paying for their sexual endeavors because as we all know, sex is the only reason women ever take birth control. Since it is impossible for a sane human being to think this is true, I congratulate Limbaugh for his hilarious exaggerations and doing his part in this elaborate charade. I really think this idea of spouting ideas that only 12-year-old boys would believe to be true is a great way for the GOP to show voters that they have a comedic side.

But the people who have done the most to contribute to the party’s staged assault on women is the state legislature of Arizona, who are proposing a bill that would allow employers to fire female employees who take birth control for non-medical reasons. Feminists all over the country will fall for this ruse and give a lot of publicity to this governing body, and would get people to laugh at and enjoy something out of Arizona for the first time in a while, since that state has undergone a lot of scorn recently.

There are some flaws with this anti-woman show. I think Santorum needs to be reigned in a bit. He said last week that he would outlaw porn if elected president. He is like a method actor who has gone so far into his character that he can’t come back out. I do understand he hasn’t had sex for non-pro-creational reasons since Reagan was elected and would probably have a heart attack if he ever saw a woman who wore a skirt that didn’t go down past her knees, but they need to have an intervention, and remind Santorum that this is a game, and that getting rid of porn would be a bridge too far for most of America to cross.

I cannot congratulate the GOP enough for this idea. I think they should take this plan even further, and mock this country’s priorities even more. I think they should launch a war on cooties, make chastity belts mandatory and prohibit women from wearing pants instead of dresses in public. This spoof of America’s juvenile tendencies is something to be commended. I am just thankful they do not really believe in this fight against women as opposed to real-world issues; that would be a disaster that would destroy America’s credibility forever, right?